Healing and our Brains

Oh Aversion, How I detest thee!

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Oh Aversion, How I detest thee!

by Robert S. Vibert

You know, I really did not want to write this post. In fact, I avoided writing it. Delayed writing it. Tried not to think about it. Felt bad when I thought about writing it. And, in the end, I did write it, and actually felt better when I did. I owned my aversion to writing about aversion, and circular thinking-like as that may seem, it is what it is and was.

The trigger for writing this article was a brief segment in the DVD series Love: What Everyone Needs to Know by Dr. Pat Love in which she interviewed Dr. William Glasser about relationships and he mentioned The 7 Deadly Habits.

According to Dr. Glasser, these 7 Deadly Habits are

  • Criticizing
  • Blaming
  • Complaining
  • Nagging
  • Threatening
  • Punishing
  • Bribing, rewarding to control

When I heard him mention these it did not take long for me to recall recent incidents in which I had experienced one or more of these habits directed at me, and the strong aversion which arose within as a result.

According to Buddhist teachings, the source of much suffering in life is aversion or craving. If one is able to no longer have an aversion to something (or a craving for something), then suffering will diminish. This sounds great in theory and takes ages to achieve in practice. Recent studies of the brain show how we react to some outside stimuli, like hearing certain tones of voice, in the same way as other painful experiences, including physical ones. It is normal for us to then want to get away from the source of this pain, and if that is someone using one of the 7 Deadly Habits on us, then we will want to get away from them.

Sometimes, an aversion reaction can manifest in a physical discomfort – it literally feels awful in our bodies to be near the source – someone complaining, nagging, blaming, etc. Although Dr. Glasser does not include it on his list, I would add Shaming as another trigger for discomfort and pain and the resultant aversion.

 

Can we feel less aversion?

There are schools of thought which tell us that we can change our response to outside stimuli by re-framing what we are hearing/experiencing into something benign or even pleasant. Instead of responding to the criticism we look upon it as helpful. While this sounds like a good strategy, it rather hard to do when our brain’s pain center is triggered and our body is saying “Get me outta here!” It requires a large dose of willpower and determination and is really a coping mechanism rather than a solution.

Some other approaches say that we can intellectually rise above the stimuli to see what is driving the other person to behave in such a way (they are speaking from their pain, using their maladaptive coping mechanisms, they only want their needs satisfied, etc.). This is essentially the “knowledge is power” school of thought, the one that states that if we know “why” we can then understand and somehow this knowledge and understanding will be sufficient. To that, I always ask “What about the pain being experienced by the recipient?” and have yet to receive a satisfactory answer, probably because this approach is also one where suppressing of feelings is proposed. I have yet to see any advantage to suppressing/managing/controlling feelings – it is too much like wrestling with yourself – part of you always loses.

The fact that there are countless books on dieting and yet it is a constant struggle is a fair indicator that knowledge alone is insufficient for dealing with that and with many other problems.

I would propose a different response to the rise of feelings of aversion, which involves interlocking actions of self-care:

Accept – First of all, accept that the feeling of aversion has arisen and is present. Do not deny it or try to change it or indulge in self-judgment and punishment for having the feeling.

Notice – Any painful feelings which also arose when the aversion was triggered are often signs of emotional wounds. Notice those feelings, again with acceptance. You may wish to heal the wounds using a technique such as AER so they do not contribute as strongly (and  often not at all) to the aversion in the future.

Choose – The world is full of people who have never learned how to properly and respectfully communicate with others. They use the 7 Deadly Habits constantly and will continue to do so in the future. Hoping that they will somehow magically change is only going to lead to frustration and disappointment. The choice one makes is how much one exposes oneself to the stress and negativity of criticism, blaming, shaming, nagging, etc. From where I stand, the less exposure, the better, as your nervous system does not benefit from such inputs.

Dr. Glasser refers to the Seven Caring Habits:

  • Supporting
  • Encouraging
  • Listening
  • Accepting
  • Trusting
  • Respecting
  • Negotiating differences.

I could spend all day with someone like that, couldn’t you?

One of the problems we run into when we look for people who use the Caring Habits is that there are insufficient models of such behaviour today. The media is full of examples of detrimental behaviour as that provides dramatic situations and rather stingy when it comes to providing us with models of caring. Sarcasm, belittling comments and snappy comebacks are the staple fare in TV and films, flavoured with rampant narcissism and disrespect for others.

A recent film, The King’s Speech, is remarkable for the inclusion of several characters who demonstrated many of the Seven Caring Habits:

  • Lionel Logue (played by Geoffrey Rush), the speech therapist who was firmly supporting, encouraging, accepting and respecting of his royal patient, eventually becoming his trusted friend. Even when a disagreement arose between them, it was Lionel who set out to apologize for his part in the incident and negotiate a way around the difference.
  • Lady Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon, wife of King George VI of England (played by Helena Bonham Carter), who was consistently supportive, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, and respecting of her husband despite the struggles he faced. She wanted what was best for him and without imposing her views, opinions or ideas, respectfully and with caring worked with him to attain that.

It would be very easy to want people like those two characters in one’s life. They would be the ones we seek out, choose to involve in our lives, and enjoy being with, both in platonic and more intimate relationships.

Taking these three steps, Accept, Notice, Choose, one can move from a place of suffering from regular doses of aversion to one where when aversion does arise it is useful as an indicator of more healing to be done, and of a choice to be made, rather than a source of suffering.

Copyright  2011 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved.

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Healing and our Brains, Moving to a stress-free reality

Excuse me, my past is calling…

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Excuse me, my past is calling

by Robert S. Vibert

Has this ever happened to you?  There you are having a perfectly normal conversation with someone and all of a sudden your past calls you up, grabbing your attention and hijacking your focus! Those uncomfortable feelings from the past surge inside you, maybe prompting your stomach to knot up, your face to flush, your body to feel strange. Or maybe it is an emotional response that pops up, with anger, embarrassment or sadness flooding over you.

You knew that it was your past calling, using it’s speed-dial right to your core, right?

Maybe the feelings were so strong that you missed the connection and thought that these were feelings caused by whatever was happening in the present. This is one of the most common things we humans do – conclude wrongly that our feelings (emotional and bodily) are solely about the present.  Hey, popular magazines are always telling you how to “deal with” these feelings, but based entirely on the current situation. This “what to do when this happens” approach ignores the profound impact that our past has on us. There are numerous studies which show how the experiences of our early years have significant effects on us for the rest of our lives (or until we resolve those injuries).

Those who have resolved past issues find that new problematic situations have much less, if any, impact on them as the cumulative effect is now absent. Our past no longer gets to mess with us, throw us off balance or trigger all those feelings that we would prefer to not have.

On the line to the past

Although there is a huge industry of babble-therapy – excuse me,  talk therapy, that has people tell their stories over and over, that approach is popular mainly due to some good marketing. Edward Bernays, who was Sigmund Freud’s nephew and the main developer of public relations, invested a lot of time, money and clever marketing techniques in promoting his uncle’s ideas on human psychology as valid and useful. Psychotherapy became accepted and then preferred. This steamroller of “talk therapy is the best way to solve your problems” continues today to be promoted in films, TV and other media, even though there are numerous other methods which are as or even more effective.

One of the major issues that people have with talk therapy is that clients are often called upon to talk about what is bothering them. There are a few major concerns one should have with this, including

Examining our past in detail is often a futile effort, as many influential events are not stored in our brains as conscious items, especially when they happened during our earliest years – how much can you really recall of your time as a baby?  And, even if we do have some conscious memories of a traumatic event, the story is pretty much irrelevant anyway as our brain keeps changing the details. There are many influences on our memories, and the conclusion of those who study this area is that memories are unreliable indicators of what actually happened. In fact, if you take the approach of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) or hypnotherapy, one can rewrite or overlay an awful story with a better one. (There is a better approach than this application of “good memory” whipped cream on “bad memory” cow patty.)

The other major concern is the PPE (Problem Processing Engine) in our brain which will invent a reason for these feelings so that we can “solve” that problem of where they came from. Someone in a position of authority (“therapist”) asks us to talk about our problem (uncomfortable feelings) and our PPE will kick into high gear trying to “figure out why” we feel that way. The answers it comes up with are often superficial and shallow, along the lines of “I feel this way because Johnny said something nasty to me.” Applying a little emotional detective work to this initial conclusion might reveal that the feeling actually has nothing to do with Johnny or what he said but really arises from some incident that occurred ten, twenty or even fifty years in the past. Our PPE is good for many things, but emotions are not problems per se , so it often reaches the wrong conclusion about what gave rise to the feeling.

Talking about some issue or painful event mainly serves to reinforce those neural circuits so that memory is kept alive, along with all the pain that is associated with it. This is actually counter-productive, as the goal should be to move on from the pain, not keep that fire stoked.

The bottom line is that while talking about something painful does offer some relief (we feel acknowledged and accepted by the listener if they are skillful, and we may learn that others have had similar feelings which means we are not uniquely cursed), this is really only temporary as evidenced by the extensive number of talk therapy sessions “required” to feel better and the reports of those who finally resolved some issue using some other approach after years of “therapy”. Of course, feeling better is what we reach for when we are in pain, but just feeling better for a little while is only a stop-gap measure, not a real and long-lasting solution.

The normal human revulsion to the concept of constantly dredging up the pain of the past in the hope of fixing it and the much better results obtained from methods which aim to liberate the person from the pain instead of teaching someone to “manage it” have combined to lead many people to look for problem resolution approaches that are fast, effective and cost-effective. And, fortunately, they are finding them.

Disconnecting from the past

How does one disconnect from that call from a painful past? The principles are the same no matter what specific technique one uses. These are the principles embodied in the Awareness Expression Resolution process:

  1. Become fully Aware of the pain. Notice it, as it is, without judging it or wanting it to go away or trying to figure it out.
  2. Acknowledge the pain. It is there every time you look, so you gain nothing from denying it or avoiding it other than delaying the inevitable encounter.
  3. Accept the pain as normal and human – we all have pain and it is entirely likely that many, many people have felt exactly the same as you. Accept it as it is, with no attempt to rationalize, explain or understand it.
  4. Allow the pain to be and allow it to go. Feelings come and go and if we allow them, they will flow through and out of us. Pushing it away will only create more neural connections to it, keeping it firmly in place.
  5. Express the pain. No need for any big production here – just writing it down or saying it out loud (alone or with a trusted person) is usually enough. No need to tell the story, just report on the pain itself – “I feel sadness” or “I feel anger” are good examples of simple, clear and precise expressions of the pain. If a name or exact description of the pain escapes you, then use something generic, such as “I feel yucky” or “I feel down” or “I feel stuck.”
  6. Experience the pain, for a few moments. While there is no need to stay in the pain for longer than a few moments, it is necessary to experience it just long enough for the brain circuits where it is stored to become engaged and then release it.
  7. Consciously Release the pain.  Let go of it and let it go on its way. Think of this as being like letting a pebble drop out of your hand. You do not throw the pebble or make it go away – you simply let it fall naturally when you open your hand. Painful feelings can be released just as easily.
  8. Stay in the process until you reach full release – there is nothing left of the pain and the memory only contains data, not emotional content. You can see the scene but are no longer involved or emotionally engaged in it – it is like a boring movie that has no interest to you anymore.  At this point, that pain is resolved and you have reached Resolution with regard to it.

Reaching Resolution on an issue is the key to not having this pain from the past speed-dial you in your present. Once you have released the emotional energy around an event from the past, it can no longer make that call to you in the present. As one releases more and more of the painful episodes from the past, the present becomes more pleasant and balanced – there is little if any interference of the past and its pain and whatever happens today is seen and responded to as just that today. This is much better than responding to a current situation with today’s emotional response compounded by past pain from similar situations.

Free of our past pain, we start to see people as they really are, with our vision and interpretations no longer distorted by past pain and memories.

The main thing getting in the way of more people using this sort of approach is that we’ve been sold two erroneous messages which make it hard for us to accept the simplicity of just letting go of the past:

Life problems take a long time to be solved and require a lot of effort.

We need to understand why we feel a certain way in order to get past it.

Both of these messages are baloney. I know of many people who have released painful memories in minutes. And, they did not need to talk about their past or pay someone thousands of dollars or euros to effect that release or give them some explanation. They just needed to commit to trying a little experiment and allowing themselves to take a walk down Release Lane.

Releasing stored pain from the past is really something that needs to be experienced to be understood – no volume of words can describe how free one feels after releasing some past pain that has been calling us far too often.

Copyright 2011 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved.

 

AER is a system to enhance the natural human release mechanism. One of the recorded AER sessions is available for FREE at my Facebook public page. Other AER recordings are available for the low cost of $10 each.

Healing and our Brains

Did I ever tell you…

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Did I ever tell you – how much I appreciate the things you do?

by Robert S. Vibert

In today’s fast paced, hectic, stressed-out mess that passes for a real life, appreciation and its close cousin gratitude, often get lost in the shuffle. Given the pressures we are all under, with rising prices, job losses and general uncertainty about the future, it is not surprising that we revert to a mode in which we focus on what is lacking instead of what we have. Reversing this tendency is not only a good thing from a social standpoint, it is an investment with lots of upside potential for great return.

 

It’s all about me

I could write for days on all the examples of narcissistic behaviour that one can encounter by simply watching what people say and do. No matter what their physical age, far too many people act as if they were still 5 or 6 years old. You know, they focus almost exclusively on THEIR needs, THEIR desires, THEIR fantasies and when the world does not provide them with what they demand, they throw a tantrum. If they have aged a little, the tantrum does not usually look like a child stomping their feet or rolling about on the ground with arms flailing – no they have developed more sophisticated expressions of childish responses. They will pout, but claim that they are too busy to reply to you. They will retaliate for some perceived slight and pretend their response was an “accident”. They will viciously gossip, and seek revenge. These are all examples of the response and coping techniques we developed as children to keep ourselves safe.

We of the human race all have these “tools” from childhood at our immediate disposal. All of us, including me. ( I told you it was all about me… 😉  )

But I digress from the storyline.  Since we all know about these childish responses to the difficulties of life and have most likely employed them at some time, what is critical to having a more peaceful life is how we respond when the urge to use a childish response arises. If we are 5 or 6 years old, then we are likely to simply use whatever pops up.  If we are a little bit older, say 25 or more, then we should have at least a notion of some alternatives we can employ.

There are numerous sources of information on more refined and resourceful responses to life’s challenges. Actually, numerous is an understatement – I did a quick online search and found 111,000 references to “dealing with anger”. 111,000!!! That’s a whole lot of information, and if one was to only study and put into practice the approaches found in the first 5 articles, there would be no shortage of ideas, techniques, tips and tricks for that one element of our life. Life skills training is abundantly, copiously and exuberantly available, for free. All you have to do is look for it. And then use it, instead of doing what you did when you were 5.

 

Paying attention

The other part of this puzzle of contributing to a better world rather than detracting from it, is to pay attention to what we do with an emphasis on investing in thoughts, actions and feelings that are positive. Studies show that we get healthier (mainly through stress reduction, but not only) when we do this, so there is a personal payback. It is like being gardeners – we cultivate that which we want to grow. If we want more peace, we cultivate being peaceful with others.  If we want more compassion, we cultivate being compassionate towards others. And so on.

Studies have shown that noticing what others do for us and being appreciative of them and/or expressing gratitude helps relationships flourish and provides fertile opportunities for pleasant outcomes. Here is a link to one study, and you’ll find many more with an online search for the benefits of gratitude.

How does one cultivate appreciation ? It is easier to do than it might first appear, especially if you have not seen it modeled for you much. It can be as simple as saying something along the lines of “I like it when you do X” or “I appreciated when you said Y” or the very simple “Thank you”. The more you do this sort of thing, the more natural it becomes, like any other new habit. And the more you supply those around you with sincere indications of appreciation, the better off all of those involved will be.

The sincerity aspect is not to be ignored, as many times we will hear a rote “Thank you” that may as well be coming from a robot. The key to appreciation is the deeper human connection that occurs. It may last only a brief moment, but in that short space of time, a richness of interconnection and well-being can be experienced. If you’ve ever felt truly appreciated, you know what I mean. One time that springs to mind as I write this (and the deep emotional effect it had on me swells up inside me right now) was when a workshop leader brought me in front of the group to publicly thank me for my volunteer work for his project. He took the time and words necessary to make it abundantly clear to all present what he wanted to express and how strongly he felt about it. He used no fancy words and gave me no trophy, ribbon or certificate – this was not about symbolic or token appreciation but about real, heartfelt, sincere human to human expression. In those few minutes I learned firsthand the power of true appreciation and it completely changed my perspective on the topic. I aspire to one day be able to deliver as profound an expression of appreciation. In the meantime, I practice, practice, practice. (So let me take a moment here to say that I really appreciate all of you that read this blog, and especially those who give me feedback and encouragement. I do.)

 

Sowing seeds

One of the ways to enhance your gardening of a better world is to be mindful of your language when communicating. When we are stressed out, it can be easy to be curt, sarcastic, even rude. But, if we are mindful  and considerate in the way we speak to others, then the seeds we are sowing are more likely to grow into something  beneficial. One of best resources for this is the Center for Nonviolent Communication which offers books and audios on the subject of how to be clear and nonviolent in our communication.

Many times, the way we express ourselves is influenced by how we feel. OK, it is almost all the time. If we are feeling down, or upset or sad, etc., then it is hard to express appreciation sincerely. As you have heard/read me say before, resolving outstanding emotional issues makes it easier to do just about anything in life. With those emotions no longer intruding into our present day life, we can feel gratitude and appreciation and express it without any taint from that “other stuff”. The system that I developed, AER, is one way to release stored emotional pain. There are other techniques as well, and the important thing is to consciously and diligently release, using whatever tools work for you.

One does not have to wait until one’s pain has been released to start appreciating others. You could start today, with someone, anyone. Try it, notice what happens inside you and with them. You may be delivering a surprise that will pleasantly surprise you right back. The key is the giving without expectation of return, knowing that giving appreciation is its own reward.

Copyright 2011 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved.

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AER is a system to enhance the natural human release mechanism. One of the recorded AER sessions is available for FREE at my Facebook public page. Other AER recordings are available for the low cost of $10 each.

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