Tag Archives: acceptance

Healing and our Brains

A Breath of Fresh AER

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One of the conditions which so many people suffer from is emotional trauma and yet, this is also the condition which has been most in need of effective methods to resolve and release it. According to some research, it is possible that almost every one of us suffers some degree of emotional trauma during a point in our lives, and if we are exposed to repeated trauma, the effects are cumulative. What is needed is a way to take us from traumatized states to healthy ones, without costing a fortune or requiring many years of effort.

For more than twenty years, I carried around the weight of loss from the death of my father when I was barely out of my teens. Like most people, I created for myself a series of coping mechanisms to avoid touching the pain I held inside. In fact, although I did not consciously think about it, my coping mechanisms were designed to keep me safe from the grief, the anger, the sadness, etc. that had lodged in me the day I was told of his death. These feelings had never been fully felt since that day. I was walking in the middle of a crowd of thousands when someone who knew me approached and expressed their condolences. I was baffled – what were they talking about? In a moment, they blurted out that  my father had died while traveling. There I was, in the middle of so many people, and like others who find themselves in similar situations, not feeling comfortable to express openly all the emotions which surfaced. I stuffed the feelings inside that day and it was only 20 years later that I finally felt it was safe to really feel them.

My story is like that of many – we experience a traumatic shock to our system and instead of allowing the feelings to flow through us, we bottle them up. In the end, it does not matter why we bottle them, the fact that they are stuck inside us is what really needs to be addressed. Searching for the “why” is really a distraction from releasing those feelings.

Feelings need to flow

Research by people like Dr. Peter Levine, Dr. Robert Scaer and Dr. David Berceli into how humans experience and then store trauma in our brains and bodies confirms what I had noticed in my own journey of healing and then helping others: feelings are supposed to flow through and out of us, just like they do for animals.

Unfortunately, our evolutionary path has provided us with a double- edged sword – the prefrontal cortex. This part of our brain is excellent for analysis and figuring things out. It is also a serious impediment to letting go of trauma, as it constantly ruminates over traumatic events, keeping the trauma alive inside us.

As a result of personal experimentation and systematic analysis of all the healing modalities that I was exposed to, I came to a simple but important conclusion: if we don’t release our stored feelings, we will always carry
with us the pain of the past.

Pain, Pain Go Away, Come Again Another Day

The most common human response to an exposure to pain, especially trauma-related pain, is to move ourselves away from it. We use distractions such as TV, movies, sports, etc.  or medications to numb ourselves (alcohol, drugs, ice cream, chocolate, etc.).   We take trips, we engage in intense activities and endeavors, and we generally do whatever we can dream up to avoid feeling the pain.

While these are natural responses to pain, they are also counter-productive. The pain does not go away  – it is merely masked or ignored momentarily. The neural circuits in our brains which store the thoughts, the sounds, the images and most importantly the emotions/feelings related to a traumatic incident are all fully charged and ready to pop into our consciousness in a flash, triggered by something that reminds us of the incident.

My research and work with many people has shown that to release a stored emotional charge (activated neural circuits) one has to feel the emotion. Resisting it only keeps it present. Avoiding it only delays the inevitable. Feeling the feeling, and allowing it to flow through and out of us is what we were designed to do.

Ah, that sounds pretty simple, right? Just let go of the pain. Actually, it is that simple – but the fly in the ointment is your thinking brain. Emotions are not stored in the thinking parts of your brain, so just thinking about something traumatic is not enough to release it. If it was, people would go to see a talk therapist, tell their story once, and the trauma would be gone. This has not been the case, as countless people who have been in therapy for years can attest. Talking about trauma does bring some relief, but rarely, if ever, provides a release from it.

Three Steps to Success

The approach that I take with people is to facilitate this natural releasing process using three steps. The first is Awareness. We must be aware of the issue that we are experiencing, in particular the feelings that come up around an incident.

The second step is Expression, in which we briefly express what we are feeling. This expression can be as short as a single sentence such as “I feel anger” or a little longer if we want to be more specific. The key here is that we are honestly acknowledging the feeling, not engaging in a long talk about it – that would shift us into the thinking parts of our brain, and away from feeling.

The third step is Resolution and we get there by Releasing the stored feeling, allowing it to be as it is in the moment, and then allowing it to flow naturally out of us. I have borrowed from several traditional systems and modern healing techniques to come up with an efficient method to facilitate this natural releasing process. I call this method AER – Awareness Expression Resolution.

The word Resolution is important, as there are many systems which will enable a partial release of stored feeling, but essentially leave the neural circuits charged enough to be re- activated. With AER, our goal is to allow all the stored feeling(s) around an incident to flow out. The majority of people are able to release all of a feeling around an incident in less than 1 hour (often in minutes) , and once the feeling is fully released, it does not return to their system. The feeling flows out of them and they are free of it. As it is common for multiple feelings to exist in relation to an incident, each of these feelings in turn is released until the incident itself is only a flat, emotionless memory.

Practical and Inexpensive

One of the design principles that I kept in mind as I developed AER was that it should be something that anyone can learn in about 30 minutes and that should be available in an economical form. To that end, I have
created guided AER sessions for some commonly stored feelings that can be downloaded and followed. Each session takes 1 hour to complete and can be used as many times as desired. You can release sadness, for example, from as many incidents as you can recall using the same recording for each incident.

One of the tricky things I have found doing this work is that most people cannot believe that it is possible to actually release some strong emotion that they have been carrying around for years. And, truth be told, until I experienced it for myself, I would not have believed it either. Words alone are not enough here – one must actually have the experience of releasing to relate to it. And, once one has released one bothersome feeling, the door has opened to release any others that no longer serve you.

Copyright 2010 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved

Healing and our Brains

What do you mean, I can’t do that to you any more?

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Now, truth be told, it is highly unlikely that you will ever hear someone actually say something like the title of this article.  Not in these exact words, that is for sure. However, if you read between the lines of what they are saying, this will be the message. And if you pay attention to what they are doing (always a good idea), you’ll definitely get the message.

First, some examples. Let’s think of some times when people do something to you, something along the lines of taking your generosity for granted. Maybe one day you let someone have some of the compost from your garden because they wanted to try their hand at growing a plant or two. You gave them some of your compost and were happy to help them out. The next time they came by to visit, they asked for some more.  And the next time,  the same thing happened. And again, and again. Until they were constantly taking compost, and started to do so without even asking. Hmmm… I imagine you can extrapolate this to any number of situations besides compost – the principle is that you were generous once, and the other person then assumed that you would always be willing to give and give and give, of your time, your energy, your belongings.

Another example would be when someone presumes upon your good-will. Let’s say that they are rude or insulting to you. You respond with dismay or disgust and  maybe they apologize, explaining that they’ve had a hard day, week, life. A little while later, the same thing happens – they are out of line, say something inappropriate, accuse you of something inane, etc. They expect that you’ll always accept their behaviour, no matter how inappropriate, because they have mitigating circumstances,  explained themselves once, because you didn’t constantly make a fuss about it or because they think they simply have every right to express themselves however they wish.

A third example would be when someone constantly imposes their worldview on you. For whatever reasons, they have formed their own particular vision of how the world is and works. They see things in one way, and expect everyone else to see it in the same way. They are not shy about telling you how wrong your ideas are, how much superior their views and opinions are, and how it would all be so much better if you’d simply agree with them.  They never miss an opportunity to tell you what you are doing wrong, and how much better their ideas are. Some people would call this fundamentalism, but they certainly do not need a religious context for this zealousness. Even when you ask them to respect that you may have a differing perspective, they insist on “being right“, perhaps even raising their voice to drown you out.

We draw the line, they pop

When we draw the line, tell them to stop what they are doing, that we’ve reached our limit, the usual response is that they get upset with us. And that is when you’ll see and hear what amounts to a protest against their “right” to carry on with behaviour that is not kind, compassionate, generous or life-enhancing. They may be shocked that you would actually tell them to stop.

This protest will come in various forms, ranging from pouting to bullying to misbehaving to pleas for forgiveness. The pouting and sulking is pretty much what you know from watching child behaviour. The bullying can be a bit more subtle, as they have often developed skills to enhance it. They can try to browbeat you with arguments as to why they should be allowed to continue as they had been. They can try to use shame to manipulate you, often bringing others into the discussion in an attempt to gang up on you. They can become insulting, suggesting that you are not man or woman enough to stand up to their manner and that you need to toughen up. They may resort to anger or belligerence, hoping to intimidate you into backing down from your position.

If all of those tactics fail, they may beg forgiveness, hope that you’ll soon forget your position and then plan to revert back to their old ways within a short time.

After all, they are entitled to be the way that they are, right? They are the Entitled Ones.

Why do these people get so upset when asked or told to respect a boundary? More than likely, no one ever told them NO or STOP before.  People have been polite to them for most of their life, and not pointed out the rudeness or inappropriateness of their behaviour, generally to avoid getting into a conflict with them.  Their propensity to be conflictual becomes quite evident early on in their relationships with others, and since most humans prefer to not be in conflict, the people around these Entitled Ones walk on eggshells.

Finding Balance

Given that when denied what they want, whether it is more of your generosity, your goodwill or your acquiescence,  the Entitled Ones react like spoiled kids and engage those around them in a battle they need to win.

The truth of the matter is that all involved in these scenarios need to use a more mature approach. The Entitled Ones need to learn self-restraint, respect and consideration for others. Those on the receiving end of the entitlement request need to learn how to say NO and stick to it. In some ways, it is harder for the second group than for the first. The Entitled Ones are used to taking and taking and not being challenged often, so they have precedent on their side.  Their learning includes releasing the fear of scarcity and being alone that drives a lot of the behavior. When people are always looking for more, it is usually because they sense that they will not have enough – that explains a lot about why people who already have a lot of money are driven to keep getting more. This fear is not overcome, it is accepted as part of our human inheritance and then released. The other part of this, the constant need for attention, even if gained only by creating conflict with others, is also possible to release. Having released these unhealthy drivers, the Entitled Ones can find it much easier to interact with others in a manner that enhances the lives of everyone involved.

For the second group, those who have some trouble establishing boundaries, the path to a better way is rather straightforward. They start by noticing what comes up for them when they imagine themselves confronting an Entitled One they know, and then releasing those feelings. With those feelings gone, often ones of fear of rejection and battle, it becomes much easier to stand one’s ground, firmly but kindly establish boundaries and help the Entitled Ones evolve into more respectful folks.

For both, the key is to release the underlying feelings that drive the behaviours.

Copyright 2010 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved.

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Healing and our Brains, Moving to a stress-free reality

Are your thoughts causing your stressful feelings?

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There is a prevalent theory making the rounds, time and again, that your thoughts are what create your emotions and therefore your stress.

One of the expressions of these is what is called “Appraisal Theory”, which has been summed up as follows:

Event ==> thinking ==> Simultaneous arousal and emotion

Back in the day when I believed that the mind was supreme, this made perfect sense to me. After all, we humans are the thinkers, which is supposed to distinguish us from all other beasts. Hey, we have really old books that tell this story as well, and it just feels dang good to be top of the heap, don’t it? Stop noticing how we slaughter each other by the millions and how nasty we can be to others – it is best to ignore all that conflicts with our idealized vision of ourselves as simply wonderful.

Well, truth be told, I’m not so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed any more, which is another way of saying that I no longer automatically accept that humans are so much better than other species. Yes, we’ve managed to develop incredible technology so we could leave our trash behind even on the moon… Yes, we’ve polluted and ravaged the landscape to such an extent that there are few places left on Earth which are not damaged in some way.

OK, we have also done lots of good things, but if we are going to be relatively objective, we need to own what we do that is not so pretty or a good subject for polite conversation.

If we accept that even though humans seem to do a lot more thinking than dogs, for example (although your mileage may vary, depending on the human and canine subjects used in a study you might undertake), it would appear that this thinking is not always giving us a better world.

Ah, you might say, what we need is better thinking. Well, that would be an improvement, of course, but there is no guarantee that just because you are going to be thinking better that your actions are going to be congruent with these “better” thoughts. I know lots of people who can talk a good talk and who obviously are quite developed in the thinking department. They also happen to be less than optimum in the acting department – they don’t walk a good walk. Maybe you know someone like this too – a brilliant mind, but not so good to interact with.

And this is just one example of how I find less than satisfactory the concept that it is always our thinking that triggers our emotions. I would argue that there is a three-way street on which our physiological environment, our cognitive thought processes and our emotional responses are all interacting constantly.

A few examples from real life:

Imagine that you are standing outside and it is raining, cold and you are getting soaked and feeling rather clammy. You don’t need to think about this situation to feel miserable – you just feel it, as a normal result of your environment.

I would venture to say, given how the weather is the starting topic for so many conversations, that people generally respond to their environment without thought – they feel the environment acting on them and their emotions pop up in response. One can change one’s emotional and mental response to the environment, of course. But that is grist for another mill, fodder for another cannon, etc., etc.

Another example of this is when one eats something that tastes really good. This bite of Bill’s blueberry pie that I just ate triggers in me a feeling of comfort. I did not have to think about it – the pie enters my mouth and my taste buds signal “yum, good!” to me. And, as a result, I feel good about the pie and about Bill. I don’t have to think gratitude – it just comes up as a response to the good taste and texture.

When I think about this body and emotional response to the pie that I am enjoying, the feeling of gratitude can become more intense, of course. In fact, eating the pie triggers good thoughts about Bill. The communication is in all directions – from my body to my emotional centers to my mind. They interact with each other, back and forth.

Let’s look at another example – you are driving along and your car hits a slippery spot on the road and for a moment or two, is out of control. Before you have time to think “Oh Dang!” or something a little stronger, your body and emotions respond to the situation. Your body, probably guided by your enteric brain,  starts telling all of you – “holy jumping jelly beans, we’re outta control here!!!!” It also floods your system with those infamous fight or flight chemicals and maybe you break out into a cold sweat and your heart is racing. You feel fear both emotionally and viscerally, and way before any thoughts can arise. Your mind can say anything calming or rational it wants, to no immediate avail – you are still reacting to the situation and until those chemicals that are flooding your system start to subside, not much calming is going to happen.

The same thing happens with people who are upset – while in that state, they are not thinking rationally – they are experiencing their upset and will continue to do so until they start to settle down. Their thoughts are greatly influenced by their physical and emotional state. Again, we can see that no matter what the starting point, our bodies, our minds and our feelings are interacting and influencing each other constantly.

Another example is when you are feeling some heart-based emotions. These emotions, whether of love-sickness or heartbreak, trigger all kinds of non-rational thoughts and result in all kinds of out-of-the-box actions. Go on, tell someone in love to think logically and see what happens.

Now, I’m not dismissing the notion that thoughts can trigger feelings. We can find plenty of examples of that, too. Someone sees a bully pick on a child and thoughts of disgust can arise which lead to anger and then some intervention action.

Less Chicken and Egg

I think the world would be a much better place if we spent less time on chicken-egg-what- came-first notions which place one part of us in a superior position to the other parts. Our minds can do a good job of analyzing, understanding, comparing, etc., but they are not designed for loving, for caring, for empathy – that comes from our hearts. If you ever try to drive a car using your mind instead of allowing your body to handle the majority of the work, you’ll find it rather tiring rather quickly.

Remember that we have lots and lots of neural networks in our head brains, heart brains and enteric (gut) brains. Even though many, many people have been convinced that “it’s all in your head” that just ain’t so. All three of those brains talk to each other constantly just as our thoughts, emotions and body sensations constantly interact.

So, if you are feeling stressed about something and someone tells you it is your thinking that is to blame, smile and know that they have only got one piece of the picture, one nibble of the cookie. There is a lot more going on with us than simply our thinking triggering emotions – any one of the three parts I have mentioned can trigger a response in the other and influence, often enhancing or diminishing, the response that the other part is having. We’re not machines – we are complex organisms with all kinds of internal systems, many of which we have yet to properly discover.

Like a lot of people, I have tried many cognitive approaches to improving my life – I have a wealth of books and courses done on this. The stark reality is that my emotions are not dictated by my thinking, nor are yours. I can’t think myself happy when I am feeling sad, and when I am feeling happy, sad thoughts are nowhere to be found.

What I have found really useful is to acknowledge my complexity as a human and use the appropriate tools for the specific. I use AER to release stressful emotions which in turn releases stressful thoughts, both of which help hold in place non-resourceful beliefs.

You think, you feel, you act, you be, you respond – and therefore you are. 🙂 Help me spread the word – Rene has done enough damage with his “I think therefore I am”.

Copyright 2009 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved.

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