Monthly Archives: May 2010

Healing and our Brains

I Feel That … I am Really Thinking…

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The title pretty much gives it away, if you get what I am talking about. You know, all those times when someone says “I feel” and then describes what they are thinking, not what they are actually feeling. When they use an expression along the lines of  “I feel that the world is full of silly people.”  This is an opinion, which is a thought, not a feeling. Feelings include fear, anger, sadness, etc. Hardly a day goes by that I do not hear someone say “I feel” when they are describing their thoughts and opinions.

Hair-splitting? Perhaps… and perhaps not. You see, in my world, thoughts and feelings are really not the same thing, even though they often arrive together on the scene. It is normal that we feel a feeling/emotion (I’ll use both terms interchangeably here, for the sake of convenience), and have a thought or two about it at the same time. And vice versa – we can have a thought and then a feeling arises. Thoughts and feelings are usually linked together, so we tend to have them pretty much simultaneously in our inner world. And, as I’ll explain in a bit, being aware of the difference between thoughts and feelings can be quite important to our happiness.


Think, think, think

The interesting thing these days is that in most situations we are discouraged from feeling and encouraged to think instead. One of the earliest examples of this was when IBM put up “THINK”  signs in their offices starting in the 1930s. The intent was good – IBM wanted people to act consciously, not just go charging ahead without a thought for outcomes. This is a wise approach, and it certainly worked well for IBM for years.

The psychoanalytical community has contributed to this thinking bias as well, successfully convincing many of us that we need to think about everything, analyze it ad infinitum and if we happen to notice that we are having a feeling, that we should think about that feeling, determine why we feel that way, and think real hard about when was the first time we felt it, and finally, analyze it all, in the hope that we’ll discover some way to better manage whatever is bothering us. One of the ways this thought bias works against us in this particular realm is in suicide prevention, where a lot of attention is placed on suicidal thoughts and little on suicidal feelings. There is a big and potentially fatal difference between thinking about suicide and having the desire (feeling) to act upon those thoughts.

TV and films are full of examples of people going to see counselors as soon as they have some issue, and counseling/talk therapy has become a standard remedy prescribed by almost every advice “guru” out there. What is funny and sad at the same time is that while people are constantly pointed at talk therapy as the solution to their issues, rarely is there a pause for reflection on what is actually the appropriate course of action for the situation. Alternatives to going to see a talk therapist are rarely contemplated, so well has the campaign to instill the belief that talk therapy/counseling is the best approach succeeded. Be aware that I am not trashing talk therapy here, but merely pointing out that people often jump on that bus without actually giving it much…err… thought.

In addition, those who use their minds as their primary means of relating to the world, otherwise known as intellectuals, are revered in modern society. If you do not have a PhD, then you’d better be a rock star or TV/film celebrity if you intend to write a book and expect it to succeed or want to comment publicly on anything and be taken seriously. Yes, those prized letters after your name give you instant credibility, regardless of what your actual knowledge on a subject might be. Those who work in specialized fields such as anti-virus/anti-malware research bristle when the general computer security PhDs start to talk about the subject, as the generalists often get malware protection wrong, and assume that their academic degree was sufficient to allow them to draw conclusions about something they had not actually studied in depth.

In a somewhat related example, until recently many couple therapists in America could earn their doctorates without actually working with couples for more than a few hours. Their courses focused on theory and research, not working with live people. PhD or Masters in hand, they could pen works that talked about the theory of couples, relationships, personal growth, etc., and have the entire work based upon theoretical knowledge. Given how humans are a tad complex, it may make more sense to actually interact with them before writing something purporting to contain some valuable insight. When these ivory tower therapists started seeing clients, they often had to learn the hard way how to properly deal with a real human sitting in front of them, feeling upset over their relationship. I wonder if the clients got a discounted rate while the real world learning was taking place…

But I digress in my thinking about thinking.

I’m sure that if you take a moment, you’ll find plenty of examples in your life where you are encouraged to think about things, not have feelings about them. Thoughts are nice and neat, and feelings are messy and often out of control or overwhelming. At least, that is what we are told. Obviously, I’m not against thinking. I used it to prepare and write this. In fact, I use thinking all the time, regardless of what some people might say… 🙂

But, there is a need both for thinking and for feeling, at the the appropriate time. Living in our thoughts constantly is no better than living constantly in our feelings. Each can inform the other and we can achieve a level of balance when we pay attention to all aspects of ourselves. We’re not our thoughts and we’re not our feelings, even though they happen to us in such a way that we could be easily led to believe that they are.

Why do they say I feel when they mean I think?

In pondering why people might so often use the expression “I feel” when really they mean “I think”, I concluded that this is because there is a pent-up desire to express their feelings, and so it is a sort of warped Freudian slip. They really do want to express their feelings, but society has us managing them, or regulating them, or suppressing feelings to such an extent that when they do pop out, it is with a large POP. In the meantime, there is a tension just beneath the surface that creates situations in which someone wants to express a feeling, but knows that thoughts are more acceptable, and we get mixed up expressions. Of course, hearing others use incorrect expressions all the time trains us to use them as well, part of our mechanism to fit it. Using the expression “I feel” to express thoughts is a way to stay safe in the tribe and yet still suggest that one has feelings, albeit ones that are well managed to the point that they are hardly distinguishable from thoughts.

Why do we need to be more precise?

When people are encouraged to think instead of  feel or not express their feelings, there is a danger that those feelings will come out in some other way that is destructive. Men, who are constantly constrained in terms of feeling expression, suffer more heart attacks and die years younger than women, who are given a little more lea-way in terms of expressing feeling. This lea-way is not so great however, as no woman wants to be seen as hysterical, and so they too stuff down a lot of their feelings.

Allowing feelings to arise naturally and flow through and out is one of the key aspects of having a healthy relationship with them. Releasing old feelings which were stored inside is a necessary part of achieving a balance between healthy emotional expression and over-the-top emotional reactions. When one releases the stored feelings, the new ones that arise are not burdened with the excess charge of the past combined with the present response.

Becoming aware of this little mind game we play with ourselves is important, as it allows us to be more present in the moment and more congruent with our thoughts, feelings and actions.

The next time you say “I feel”, finish that sentence with a mention of a  feeling, not a thought or opinion.

Copyright 2010 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved

Moving to a stress-free reality

Searching for the Perfect Band-aid?

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For many people, if not most, when a problem arises, they look for a way of fixing it or making it “disappear”. Living as we do in a world of instant gratification, it is not uncommon to see people reach for a band-aid, a temporary solution, that will alleviate the problem, at least for the moment. These band-aid solutions allow us to cope temporarily with the issue.

Using a coping mechanism approach is normal, acceptable and makes a lot of sense, when dealing with temporary issues, as it is usually quick and economical. However, it is not an ideal long-term strategy, particularly when confronted with emotional matters, as coping mechanisms are not usually designed to resolve the underlying problem.

We cope, we live

Humans have developed many coping strategies and mechanisms over time. These coping mechanisms keep us safe and serve a useful purpose, as relatively efficient short-term solutions to problems. One definition of coping is “the process of managing taxing circumstances, expending effort to deal with personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize, reduce or tolerate stress or conflict.” Managing, minimizing, reducing, tolerating… all of these presuppose the continued existence of the problem and a continued effort to deal with it each time it appears. As the problem is not really dealt with, it will continue to present itself.

After a while, we get so used to reaching for a coping mechanism that we might not stop and consider if we could take another approach. Given that a coping mechanism is really only a temporary fix, it is not surprising that many of us keep looking for new ones when the old ones no longer do the trick. Out of this ongoing need for more and better coping techniques, a whole industry has arisen, providing us with a plethora of coping tools to try:

– relaxation techniques
– improved communication skills
– problem analysis approaches
– empathetic problem discussion
– acceptance of personal responsibility
– improvements in assertive behaviour
– trust building exercises
– techniques to handling insecurity
– affirmations
– enhanced forgiveness
– development of detachment
– development of patience
– Critical Thinking skills

as well as the old standards of simple denial and distraction, where we try to distance ourselves from the issue.

Some of the coping skills mentioned above will certainly benefit us in many areas of life. However, just as putting a daily or hourly band-aid on a cut that requires stitches for it to close, using a coping mechanism inappropriately can become quite tiring and ultimately quite expensive in time and effort.

Don’t cope, resolve

Rather than constantly coping, which really is mainly about dealing with the symptoms instead of the underlying problem, it is wiser and more efficient to seek out the most effective way to deal with the issue itself.

For example, if you were someone like me who suffered a loss of a parent at an early age, you might adopt coping mechanisms like mine: I would avoid at all costs any situations which would remind me of my father’s death. I would not attend funerals, would not discuss him, would not spend any serious amount of time in the town where I grew up, etc., etc. I moved to another country, lived an entirely “different life” and yet, the pain I felt around his death remained with me. My coping approach dealt with the symptoms by keeping me away from that pain, but never actually resolved anything. I dove into the business world and became a workaholic, studying business techniques and eventually running two companies simultaneously. I was distracted, yes, but the pain was always there, waiting for the day when I would finally face it and release it.

When I retired from running companies, I entered into the world of personal development and tried out many, many of the standard coping mechanisms available – I spent countless hours using my large collection of relaxation and affirmation recordings, attended numerous workshops on everything from hypnosis to meditation to communication skills to living from the heart, went on inner quests, etc., etc. I learned all kinds of ways to temporarily get myself into a better state of being or feeling, but soon it would be obvious that the pain was still present, waiting for me. In reality, these techniques are all good ways to cope better with what life throws at us, much like talk therapy can potentially teach us. But, bottom line, the pain was still there.

When I finally found myself in a situation where it felt somewhat safe to dip my toe into the pain, I knew I had to finally do something serious about it. 20 years of denial and avoidance and another five years of intense study of even better comping techniques was enough. Still with the results orientation I had cultivates as a businessman, I set out to find a way to release the pain, set it and myself free.  I did not need to seek out any more band-aids – it was clear that that approach was not effective nor cost-effective. I needed something that would help me, once and for all, release the pain I held over my father’s death years earlier.

The funny thing about what I have discovered on this quest is that the answer is incredibly simple and yet missed by so many due to a natural feature of humans – we avoid pain. This pain avoidance means that we look for the sugar coated pill that will magically dissolve our ills and pains, without our suffering. It can also be likened to wanting to win the life lottery – all our pains and tribulations dissolved away without our having to do much of anything. Given the constant influx of the latest and greatest coping tools (new meditations discovered by some guru in some distant land, new mind tricks we can use to cover our internal cow patties of pain with better whipped cream, more and better magical thinking involving aliens, ancient lands or dolphins, etc.) it is nor surprising that we get perplexed as to why they are not helping us beyond some minor pain alleviation.

The answer is simple and yet counter-intuitive. Research and field work by people like Dr. Peter Levine and Dr David Bercelli, just to name two, have shown that we can allow feelings to pass through us instead of “storing” them. If we do store them, we can access them and then release them, and that is what my AER (Awareness Expression Resolution) process facilitates. Learning how to release stored feelings is not hard and does not take a lot of time, does not require mind trickery or the intervention of anyone else, and can be learned in an hour or so.  But, since releasing requires us to become aware of our pain and consciously let go of it, people tend to seek out magic painless pills instead. And, while they get some feel-good sugar for the moment, their pain continues to be with them.

So, if you are tired of searching out that perfect band-aid, and ready to actually let go of your pain, try something radical: feel your feelings (stored and new ones) without resistance or judgment, and let them flow through and out. You might just find they are ready to leave…

Copyright 2010 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved.

Moving to a stress-free reality

The need to be SPECIAL

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Every day, people all over the world discover they have a need to be “special”.

This “need” is actually a misplaced one, as the real need that drives the desire to be special is a very normal and fundamental human need to be accepted. However, thanks in part to advertising, people today believe that they need to be special as a way of ensuring that they are accepted. Being accepted is a normal human desire. If one was accepted in ancient times, it meant that you got to live in the community and not be banished by your tribe. Banishment often put you in a survival or more likely lethal scenario of trying to survive in the wild alone. Ignore the heroic sole survivor notions of Hollywood – living alone in ancient times was usually a death sentence – you’d either starve or become some predator’s lunch.

Conform, or else

Because there is so much judgment of people these days, it is normal that one can feel less than secure in one’s level of acceptance. If one is exposed to modern advertising, we see constant reminders that we need to dress a certain way or behave a certain way to be accepted. This message is reinforced in school playgrounds and classrooms, as well as when we go to work. Churches emphasize conformity as well, and, when we get home, family sends the same message. In fact, it is hard to find a place where we do not have this sort of message being given to us: conform or be excluded.

Why is there such a drive in the modern world for conformity? Interestingly, it arises from the same source – a need for acceptance. The deal is: “If you do what I say, I will feel better, as it will appear to me that you are accepting my ways.” This is a way of coping with insecurity – coercing others into conformance with our beliefs and ideas. If we can get enough people to join the “I agree with Frank” club, we’ll rest easier, knowing that all these people are “on our side”. This also drives the need to get as many converts to our side as possible, as then we don’t have to examine our beliefs or ideas, as so many others are already on the same wavelength. We can hide in the crowd, safe from self-examination and introspection. This hiding in the crowd is used by most everyone these days, and it is insidious. We support a limited range of sports teams, and usually the local one, regardless of performance. We watch local news and read the local newspapers. When someone says they are moving into our area, we feel vindicated in our own choice to have moved there. If someone moves out, we question their decision, if not their sanity. We may even suddenly remember that we did not really like them all that much, so good riddance…

Round and round it goes

It becomes a vicious circle, with our need for acceptance driving our desire to have others conform to our ways. Every day, we see the world through the optic of “does this decision confirm my established beliefs and previous decisions?” That which does not reinforce the status quo is shunned or consciously ignored, as to pay attention to it would possibly open the door to questions about how we got here in the first place. Our egos seem to be too fragile to contemplate abandoning established and entrenched ideas, except in times of turmoil, when they reluctantly relinquish the known and search desperately for the new known, that which will become the new standard.

As time goes on, we have more and more conformity in the world, with world styles getting closer and closer together each year. The Internet and TV have encouraged this a lot, as images of how to be are transmitted constantly to all four corners.

We are bombarded with images and admonishments to be like each other, and if we buy product X we will be an individual, albeit identical to all the others. There is a constant tension between the need to be seen as an individual and the need to be accepted by the global tribe. No wonder stress is a major problem for many people.

So, what is the way out of this quagmire? Simply put, it is to notice the drivers in our behaviours, consciously question what we are doing and how we feel when we don’t do something. This feeling is often going to be one that is uncomfortable. Nevertheless, noticing this feeling is a step towards getting free of it. If we notice fear, for example, when we contemplate undertaking some activity or project that would be considered “weird”, accepting that fear and then releasing it, and thereby it’s hold on us, enables us to make decisions without emotional drivers taking control. As we proceed to notice and release these feelings each time we have to make a decision and consider making one e different from last time, the power of these conformance emotions will diminish. Eventually, they will have little if any hold on us. We will be able to make decisions without our internal fears of rejection or non-acceptance arising to keep us in line. We will taste true freedom.

Copyright 2010 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved