Monthly Archives: September 2009

Moving to a stress-free reality

Are you being seen?

2 Comments

Did you ever notice the tension that arises in you when people are not seeing you for who you are, but are only noticing something about you? Even worse, they may be only paying attention to something over  which you have little influence, like your eyes, your height, your employment history.

They “see” you, but they don’t really see “you”.

I witnessed a dramatic example of this a few years ago at a retreat workshop. Amongst the various people attending was a woman who would  meet most western standards for being attractive. She was tall,  shapely, pretty and blond. She was also invisible to most of the other people attending at any level beyond that of her appearance. This became blatantly apparent when we were asked to do an exercise in appreciation – everyone gathered around her as she sat on the floor and spoke to her words of appreciation. What I noticed was how she started crying as one after another people told her how pretty she was, how nice she looked, and words to that effect. She blinked back the tears for a second when my turn came and I said her tears were welcome. The comments about her physical attributes continued and her tears flowed again.

Some of the people around her had a smile on their face, and I suspect they thought she was crying tears of joy. I was not so sure, and when I spoke to her later that day, my concerns were confirmed. She had been  crying from feeling not seen for who she was. We talked a little that day about how people were always looking at her only long enough to notice her physical gifts, and were ignoring the rest of her. She had pretty much resigned herself to a life of being invisible, alone in the crowd. Not too surprisingly, as we got to know each other a little better over the course of the workshop, her inner reality was slowly revealed and  she said her good-byes with a beaming smile as she climbed into her husband’s truck for the drive home. All it took was for someone to actually pay attention to her with a desire to see “her” for who she was.

I’ve seen this surface-surfing played out in other situations as well, and sometimes it is self-inflicted. At another workshop, one of the participants introduced himself as a recovering alcoholic. Within moments, it was like someone had erased the memory of almost everyone present, as from that time onward, he was referred to as “the alcoholic”. No more information about him was solicited, and most people seemed content to put him in that box.

Why do people focus so much on the exterior?

The question that arises here is why do humans have a tendency to quickly put people in boxes and then leave them there. Certainly there is a survival instinct at work – in caveman days, we had to quickly size up the threat level of some new person who approached the tribe. But this only provides a partial explanation, and it does not account for the way that people often focus so much on the surface.

One possible reason why we do this is the need to keep a certain distance between ourselves and others. Most of us no longer live in very small communities, and cannot reasonably be in close emotional contact with everyone we meet in a day. Using a form of shorthand, we label people and then move along to the next new input in front of us.

Another possible reason is that we are responding to a perceived insecurity on the part of the other person. This is particularly true when we praise someone for that which they have little control over (putting aside cosmetic surgery and make-up for the moment). We may think that we are providing some sort of appreciation to the other person when we compliment them on their looks, but in fact it is a poor bargain. It looks something like this:

“If you notice my physical aspect and tell me flattering words about how nice I look, I’ll pretend to like that, even though I am only getting crumbs instead of what I really want – sincere acknowledgment and appreciation for who I am as a person, a recognition and acceptance of my intrinsic worth.”

There are a number of compilations of what people need to survive and flourish, and this one is a good example. All these compilations refer to some basic needs we humans have to be Accepted, Acknowledged, and Appreciated. When people comment on the physical aspects of someone, they are making token gestures of appreciation. They often think that if they do not flatter the other person, then that person will feel insecure and not accepted.  This concept is greatly promoted by those who want you to buy their products and services so you will conform to a societal model of attractiveness. Every day, we are bombarded by messages about how we need to look and act like “supermodels”. What exactly is so “super” about a “model” that is actually airbrushed and digitally enhanced. Even “supermodels” don’t match the image of what they need to look like.

Even Celebrities want to be loved

One of the most poignant things to observe these days is the quest for celebrity-hood. So many people are constantly promoting themselves, directly and by association with other celebs, jockeying for position on the ladder of celebrity-hood. They adopt a persona of breathing rarefied air, only socializing with other VIPs and somehow being “special”.  I suspect that underneath all this posturing and publicity-gathering activity is a deep-seated desire to be really seen for who they really are. Like all humans, they desire the love, acceptance and acknowledgment that brings true tears of joy and well-being. Even those who are sincerely realistic and humble about their contribution to the arts can find themselves caught up in the tide of needing to become someone more “celebrity-like”. Stepping aside and letting that tide flow past is possible, but one needs to be aware of it and act according to one’s inner guidance.

Our modern world, with all its trappings of the latest fashion and gadgets, provides poor surrogates for that which we truly desire and thrive upon. The pursuit of a new pair of Manolo Blanco shoes or a big screen TV or an electronic gadget like an iPhone may bring a temporary sense of thrill (the chase!) but it pales in comparison to actually feeling truly seen and appreciated. In the hectic daily rat race, we lose sight of what we really want and are overwhelmed by the flood of advertising, direct and indirect,  that purports to show us what we “need”.

A simple gesture can mean a lot

The next time that you notice yourself about to say some flattering statement about some surface aspect of someone, see if you can stop for a moment and find something more significant and meaningful to mention. Notice something about them, as a person. How can you know what they might want to hear? Take a moment and ask yourself what about you do you want appreciated. Most of us look for the same things from others, including:

  • Acceptance of who we are,
  • Acknowledgment of our individual being,
  • Appreciation for how we contribute to the world being a better place, and a
  • Sense of connection to others.

If you take the time to notice how positive or upbeat or relaxed you feel when you are with someone, and then tell them that instead of commenting on their hair, you will be talking to their being and their heart. If you are addressing someone who is in some way a celebrity, tell them how their work touches you instead of the usual “you are so talented” or “you are so beautiful”. Go ahead, plant some seeds of true appreciation.

Dr. Gary Chapman has some excellent research on the Five Languages of Love, in which he examines how couples can learn how best to relate to each other in ways that each will truly appreciate. Chapman says that many of the issues that couples face is simply due to their not speaking the same language of love – he’s doing the dishes and what she really needs is more time to be held.  This same principle can be extended to everyone you interact with – notice something real about them, something intrinsic.

What do you really want?

It is perfectly normal to be a bit confused about what you want from others. After all, you are bombarded with messages which are designed to shape your thinking, telling you that what you want is someone who meets some template that was created by those who sell you “enhancement” products and services. You constantly see images of people speaking platitudes as if they meant something, and you see people pretending to like them. The volume and intensity of this propaganda is only increasing and it causes a lot of stress as we all know deep down what we want, and yet we don’t get it very often.

Take some time, notice what feelings come up for you when you ponder what you’d really like to have. Release any feelings and thoughts that get in the way of that vision, using something like AER. Then start the ball rolling by investing in the positive and true appreciation of others. Notice what there is to be noticed about them, their contribution to the world and their way of being. See them in the way you want to be seen. They’ll be a little surprised at first, but many will join the party given a little time and encouragement by example.

Copyright 2009 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved

Healing and our Brains, Moving to a stress-free reality

Stressed out from wanting things to be a certain way?

Leave a comment

As we grow up, we absorb and create a worldview based upon the various cultural and environmental influences to which we are exposed. This worldview evolves as we develop, as we are exposed to new information and particularly as we have emotionally charged experiences. This worldview then becomes part of our perception of how the world is and how it should be. And, that is one of the main times when we start to experience stress.

Each day, we look at the world through the filter of our worldview, and when it does not conform to that worldview, a certain amount of discomfort arises in us. For example, if we expect that people will be polite to us when we buy something, and the person who serves us a coffee is curt and seems uninterested in us, we can think that there is something wrong with them. We may start to feel upset, disrespected, indignant, etc. All of these feelings arise as a response to the conflict between our expectations and what we encounter. It is the rare person who realizes that one’s expectations may be totally different from the “normal” behaviour of the other people we interact with.

This default response of feeling discomfort when we encounter a discontinuity between our expectations and the outside world is often due to the sense of insecurity which can be triggered – we come to a shocking conclusion: the world is not what we expect and feel safe with; it has become an uncertain place.

People can invest an enormous amount of time, energy and resources in creating a level of perceived security. We build houses with strong doors, security systems and live in gated communities. We establish routines for commuting and working to follow each day. We put on good luck charms, talismans and clothing which we associate with safe prior experiences. We eat the same fast food at home and when we travel to other countries. All of these actions and more are designed to help us feel safer, and that seems to be a fairly normal human desire. Stress is generated when this sense of security is disturbed by some element of the outside world. Our indignation about the “rudeness” of the coffee server is actually a maladaptive attempt to restore “order” to the world. We attribute the responsibility for our feelings to the outside world when we really are just reacting because of our internal emotional triggers. We think “if only the people around us lived up to our expectations, then we would feel safer, as all would be as we expect and in fact need it to be.” The reality of our daily experiences is that change is constant and the world does not live up to our expectations. And yet, we hang onto our expectations for dear life.

Why do we hang onto these unrealistic expectations?

Given the constant exposure we have to new experiences and information, it would be reasonable to expect that our worldview should evolve constantly, and as a result we would have little if any stress from unmet expectations. That does not seem to be the case. We form the various pieces of our worldview early on and seem to cling to it desperately, with an ever increasing amount of stress being generated as we struggle to reconcile what we expect and what we encounter. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, we keep expecting the world to work the way we want it to and resisting that it does not.

Brain research has shown that we actually will override what we are seeing with what we want to see. And, I’m sure you’ve had an experience of someone telling you (probably in other words) “Don’t confuse me with the facts – I’ve made up my mind!”

There are two main reasons why we hold onto our worldviews:

The first is our need for security mentioned above. Humans are designed to seek out homeostasis and therefore resist change. Our systems are always trying to return to a state of comfort. We can try very hard to overcome this, but basically we tend to evolve from one state of stability to another, and we want the transition to be as quick and painless as possible. People do experience major changes in perspective, particularly after very intense events and near death experiences. If we were to examine their systems, we would find that almost all have moved from state X to state Y, both of which seem safe to them. The transition process itself may have been very dramatic, but we humans usually end up in a new state of perceived safety and well-being which may be radically different from the prior state. We could be living as a fiercely free spirited individualist one day and be settled into a long term committed relationship the next week.

The second reason we cling to our worldview regardless of the evidence to the contrary is the emotional glue that holds our expectations in place. Much of our belief system and opinion collection is based upon a series of experiences during which we form beliefs and ideas/opinions. These experiences will have emotional content for us and this is what glues the memories and beliefs and worldview together.

Here’s a simple test – think of 5 important events in your life, any 5. You may want to write them down to make it easier to track. For each one, imagine yourself back in that event, as if you were having the experience now. Notice what you were seeing, what you were hearing and what you were feeling. Do this for each event in turn. It is extremely probable that for each important event you will have had at least one strong emotional response. Perhaps for one you felt really happy and for another very sad. The exact emotion is not that critical – for each one that you easily recalled and were able to imagine, there was a strong emotional component. This is what I call the emotional glue that holds those memories in place. You probably can recall a lot of details of each event and even feel the corresponding emotions as you revisit them.

You can test the opposite of this – take yourself back exactly 3 weeks to one of the meals you ate. If you can’t remember much about that meal, it was most likely that it had nothing very emotional happen during it. It was more than likely just like so many other benign events of your life – ones that came and left without any real impact on you.

This emotional glue is a double-edged sword. It holds in place all those memories of positive events from our past, but it also holds in place all those negative ones as well. All of these events, the feelings that arose in them, the thoughts that were formed and the resulting beliefs and opinions all helped to create and to shape your worldview. And, after a while, each new experience tends to reinforce your worldview. Every time that worldview and its component expectations are not in alignment with your current experiences, you will tend to become stressed as you go through the process of reconciling the two.

Sometimes, we can become aware of parts of our worldview which do not really serve us anymore. We may have a vague sensation about the futility of our constant negative reaction to people who do not do what we expect. We may want to be more tolerant. The challenge then is to move from where we are to where we want to be without triggering all of our self-preservation mechanisms, To make this move, we need to let go of the emotional glue which holds the old and unresourceful expectations in place.

Fortunately, it is fairly easy to release the emotional glue which no longer serves us. Humans are fully capable of releasing any emotional glue and the attached beliefs and opinions and reactions, even though it may seem like something a bit out of the ordinary to do the first time or two. The heightened speed of change in the modern world, as well as the bombardment of negative news stories has created a more intense than normal climate of fear, and in a fearful environment, we tend to hang onto everything, including that which no longer serves us. The process of releasing is greatly enhanced by a facilitation process such as AER.

The process of letting go of the emotional glue that holds in place an unresourceful expectation is actually quite straightforward. First, one notices any time when one is feeling frustrated, for example, with a low-intensity life event such as standing in a line-up at the grocery store. One pays attention to the feelings which come up with the frustration, and then when the time is convenient, one lets go of those feelings, one by one, using AER to facilitate the release process. There is neither censoring nor judgment of the feelings which arise – they are noticed, accepted and released. Any analysis of why one might feel anger and sadness mixed with the frustration, for example, is left until after the feelings are released and one can think clearly.

As one releases the accumulated emotional glue, an amazing thing happens – expectations become softer and more in tune with what is actually there. No effort is needed, as there is no resistance to the world nor any struggle to reconcile an expectation with what is happening. Are you ready to let go of some of your old emotional glue, unresourceful beliefs and ideas?

Copyright 2009 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved