Jumping can cause you stress!

This morning I came across a common source of stress – jumping. Well, not the type of jumping that you do when you are participating in athletics, although I suppose that would be a potential source of stress as well. That could be a topic for another day.

The jumping I am talking about is jumping to conclusions.

You know, when you get a tiny bit of data and then reach a conclusion which is often wrong. And then thinking about that conclusion starts to trigger all sorts of reactions in you, many of which can be stressful.

Here’s an example that came to me this morning, teaching me again a good lesson in the need to investigate before concluding. I was at the kitchen sink, washing some dishes. The flow of water out of the faucet was only about 60% of what it normally is. Now I’ve seen this happen before and each time, I had to spend time figuring out what was causing the lowered flow of water. Some times, it was a toilet that had been flushed and was refilling. Other times, it was someone else in the house taking a shower or using water in a bathroom. Some times it was the clothes washer running in the laundry room. And at times it was a faucet that that had been left open inadvertently, somewhere in the house or outside to water the garden. The final common reason was that the sediment filters on the main water line were clogged and needed replacing.  Each of these possibilities could lead me to spend anywhere between 2 minutes to 20 determining and then taking care of the problem if need be.

Now, at that time of the morning, I was not looking forward to going around the house listening for flowing water to see if it was just a poorly closed faucet at some location or to changing the main sediment filters. Naturally, some stress about this potential time drain started to poke its head up. I could imagine myself spending time I would have preferred using to do other things and that thought was not agreeable.

At this moment, with stress bubbling just beneath the surface, about to erupt I had a flash of insight. Instead of thinking about all those previous times I had spent time chasing the cause of reduced water flow, I decided to pause and see if there might be some other explanation that I had not thought of yet. I took off my “let’s get stressed now because I think I already know the answer” hat and put on my “let’s see if we have all the data before concluding” hat.

As I stood there, thinking about the events of the past few minutes (the water was flowing at a reduced rate, I was in front of the kitchen sink, I had filled a glass with water before starting to wash the dishes), the answer came to me. In fact, it was staring me in the face, looking at me rather sheepishly. The answer to why there was less water flow coming out the faucet was strikingly simple and yet I had to actually pay attention to what was going on to notice it. And, it was not any of the possible answers I had come up when I thought I knew what it must be because this reduced water situation looked quite similar to so many times before.

The Buddhists talk about beginner’s mind, where one looks at a situation as if seeing it for the first time. Doing so, one is encouraged to gather all the data possible before reaching any conclusion. Professional trackers who look for lost people and follow animals do the same thing. Instead of looking at a track on the ground and assuming that it is a dog’s footprint, they look at all the data about it they can find – size, markings of nails, spacing, etc..  Only after noticing many of the track’s characteristics do they start to draw conclusions on what it might be.  In fact, without actually seeing the animal that made the track, they can only speculate based on the evidence before them and their experiences with previous similar-looking tracks. They get better and better at this determination, and the best trackers know that jumping to conclusions often leads them to wrong conclusions and a lot of wasted time and effort.

So, what was the reason for my reduced water flow? The answer, right in front of me, was the little water filter on the faucet. It is one that when you swing it one way, it allows normal flow of water bypassing the filter and when you swing the other way, it diverts the water through a simple carbon filter to improve the water’s taste. It also has an interesting design characteristic, which might even be a flaw. When one swings the filter over to the bypass the filter flow position, there is no indicator mark to say that it is all the way over into that position. It is easy to swing it most of the way and think that it is all the way. If it is not swung all the way water only flows at a reduced rate, out of one hole.  You don’t get some water coming out the filter and some out the bypass hole- you only get reduced water coming out the bypass hole.

All I had to do was swing the filter unit over a little more, perhaps a centimeter (half inch) or so, and the water happily gurgled out at full force. In hindsight, the answer was simple as could be and I went about my dish-washing with nary a further problem.  Of course, hindsight is usually best anyway.

What saved me from spending up to 20 minutes searching about the house and perhaps even prematurely replacing the main sediment filters? Not jumping to the conclusion that I knew what the problem was and examining the environment again to ensure that I had all the data before drawing any conclusions. And my stress over potentially wasting time on an undesired and unplanned activity faded to nothing seconds after it started to pop up. (Of course, if I had started to get truly stressed, I could always use AER to release it.)

I encourage you to try this next time you face a situation – ensure that you have all the data before you do anything. You may be surprised at what you discover and how your stress load diminishes. 🙂

I wish you well on your journey.

Copyright 2009 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved

I felt it, so it must be true!

One of the ways that we stress ourselves is by believing something because we felt some emotion or feeling when we had a certain thought or idea enter our head.  The stress arises not because we have that feeling, but because we become so attached to the idea via the emotional glue that is present that it becomes a struggle to let go of the thought in the face of compelling evidence that the thought was wrong or loopy.

For example, imagine you are attending a party with your partner and you notice that they are having an animated conversation with someone else that is there. At this moment, a thought such as “my partner is attracted to that other person and not to me” pops into your head, totally uninvited.  Now, for some people, they would just laugh at at this thought, and said thought would sulk off to find another victim.

But, imagine for some reason that this thought manages to find you at a weak moment: you’re having a bad hair day, or something equally dreadful. In your moment of weakness, you allow this thought to be taken seriously. And, next thing you know, you are feeling depressed or sad or angry or all three, plus a few more unresourceful feelings.

These feelings trigger all kinds of neural activity in your brain, creating what brain scientists call synaptic connections. You can imagine them to be like ropes that connect you to that thought. It becomes a royal mess inside your head, literally. (OK, I made that last part up. My brain scanner has been in the shop for months, so I can’t peek inside your head to confirm. But if you wanted, you could spend some time searching for information on what effects our feelings trigger inside our brains. Here’s a start).

Suffice to say that when you think a thought and have some intense emotional response happen at the same time, that thought gets pretty solidly linked into you. And therein lies the rub. Even if you later discover that your partner was actually arguing with the other person and not at all attracted to them, that thought that you had is still cemented in pretty tightly. No matter how much new information you get about the situation that is not in agreement with the thought (i.e., your partner clearly demonstrates not being attracted to the other person) it can be really hard to move on without that doubt continuing to arise.

In fact, if that thought got well and truly cemented in there, you’ll start to have some confirmation bias, looking for evidence that proves your thought it correct. You may even start using the “logic” that since you had such strong feelings, it must have been intuition in action. Many times, it will actually have been fear in action and the danger now is that you can start trying to make reality match your fear, driving your partner away with jealous accusations and comments. Can you see where a tiny little bit of stress might arise out of this? I can foresee a whole bunch of stressful situations happening, ranging from the jealousy to self-sabotaging to arguments and worse.  And all this as a result of intense feelings happening at the same time we think a thought. The stress which you could suffer could be rather significant, to say the least.

So, what can one do to stop this thought-driven stress from occurring?

The first thing to do is to realize what is happening – pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. Notice what happens, especially when they get together and party.

The second thing is to realize that we often have some feelings such as anger, sadness or jealousy, when we are fearful of losing something or someone. The fear underlies the other feelings but we might not notice that right away.  So paying attention to the feelings and what is really driving them is rather important.

Having cultivated a sense of self-awareness, we can then apply releasing techniques such as AER to any intense feelings which arise and threaten to lead us astray. In fact, given that so many of our feelings are the expression of years of accumulated stuff happening to us, there is no reason not to release these feelings once they become strong enough to stop us from having a peaceful day.

As one releases accumulated feelings of anger, fear, and hurt, unresourceful thoughts which might appear have little to grab onto and will drift away on their own. You may have to shoo them along a little, but you’ll have regained a measure of control over your life and reduced your actual and potential stress loads.

Nipping this stress in the bud is not so hard once one understands how easily it can develop from something as simple as having an unresourceful thought and some associated feelings get together and wreck some havoc in your neural circuits.

I wish you well on your journey

Copyright 2009 Robert S. Vibert, All rights reserved

Stressing ourselves by assuming the worst

Did you ever notice how easy it is to get all worked up over something if one assumes the worst about it?

For instance, someone you like tells you they can’t make it to some event, and unresourceful thoughts about why they can’t make it appear out of nowhere, taking you down some rather tortuous paths. These thoughts could include

– that person does not like me any more

– that person is upset with me

– that person is more interested in something or someone else

and so on.

Now, if we give these thoughts any value and pay attention to them, they often get all excited and bring even more unresourceful thoughts to the party. Unfortunately, with all these thoughts and their associated emotions/feelings circulating around inside us, the party can quickly turn into a funeral or worse.

It does not take long for these thoughts, (especially when their cohort of feelings such as anger, sadness, pain, etc. is present), to generate a pretty miserable state of mind and heart. We get stressed out and that leads to even more miserable feelings, as well as health issues.

The question which arises is what can one do when these sorts of thoughts appear. Some philosophies talk about understanding that our thoughts are not us, and often not real. That’s a good start, but what makes it harder for many is that these thoughts have so much energy because there are all those associated feelings. Feelings can make a thought which we would normally dismiss as silly seem very real and worthy of all our attention.

Applying logical analysis to thoughts is also a lot easier when those thoughts are not charged with emotional energy.

My suggestion is to take a four step approach:

1. Notice the thoughts in a conscious fashion, perhaps even writing them down so they appear in some sort of tangible form.

2. Notice what emotions and feelings arise in concert with those thoughts.

3.  Use a technique for releasing unresourceful feelings, such as AER (Awareness, Expression, Resolution) to take the charge off the feelings.

4.  Apply some logical analysis technique, such as Byron Katie’s “The Work” to see if there is any truth to the thoughts or if they are really just speculations which serve us no good.

Using this simple but effective approach, you should be able to start to notice which thoughts are useful to you and which ones are not. Those which are the result of some deeper fears or negative beliefs about self-worthiness will start to lose their grip as you drain the energy from them.

I wish you well on this journey. 🙂

Copyright 2009 Robert S. Vibert, all rights reserved

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